The Ugly Side of Celibacy They Don’t Tell You About – A Closer Look at the Quieted Battle

 

legs crossed

I never caved into peer pressure even once in my entire life. Not through junior high, high school, nor the short time I spent in college. Maybe I didn’t know who I was yet, but I definitely knew who I wasn’t, and that was a follower! I never did anything because someone else did it, nor because I was pressured. Though I was a shy, quiet girl, I was strong-willed at an early age and was marching to the beat of my own drum.

I was confident in that aspect at least, and was okay finding myself on the outside of the in-crowd when it came to that. My earlier insecurities came from my appearance and not being accepted because of physical imperfections or attire. It had nothing to do with much else. Anything I did that went outside of celibacy was always on my own terms.

I didn’t have situations that “just happened”, nor did I have an experience where I just blacked out or had some type of temporary insanity.

When I did fornicate, it was planned and I was usually the aggressor, because if it was something I wanted, meaning I was in one of my “seasons” where my twenty-something year old hormones were raging out of control. Even if a woman isn’t for certain that she’ll sleep with someone, she already knew in the back of her mind when she woke up that day, that if everything continues to go right, it’s definitely a possibility. I know some people like to assume it comes down to peer pressure, so I thought I’d obliterate that misconception early. For me, it came down to an issue of the wear and tear of my self-esteem over time. There was quite an array of different kind of men who liked me, yet I still struggled with a great mass of rejection.

There was always some guy trying to date me, so it always annoyed me when people made comments like “But you’re so pretty!”, or “You’re a cute, sweet girl!”, or “You’re smart and attractive! It makes no sense for you to be single!” I usually had some sarcastic remark like “Because it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with not settling or compromising my standards or values!”

Sometimes it wasn’t about dating. Don’t ever expect to tell anyone you’ve not had sex for any amount of time without them thinking it’s because no one wants to have sex with you. Most people hear that as something negative, unfortunate, or rather depressing. People will actually say they feel sorry for you as if it’s something out of your control.

Sex was handed to me on a platter every time I looked up, from both attractive men and women, and from some I didn’t prefer! I’ve had all kind of men hit on me from single, engaged and married, to different ethnicities, classes and occupations. As far as women were concerned, you had to be really cute to get me to look at you twice because I was generally attracted to men. I desired a husband. I knew I would never attempt to build anything with a woman based on my personal convictions.

I would meet a nice guy and they would ask me out on a date. At least it usually happened that way. Some guys liked to kick it all the time and then tell people we dated. Uh, no we didn’t! When I get married I will not be starting my testimony off with Netflix and chill. For me, rejection came from inconsistency. I never dated a guy longer than three months.

They would always tell me they were fine with celibacy and start off telling me they were celibate too. What they were really thinking was “You mean you WERE celibate before you met me, but I’ll play along until you cave in”.

Steve Harvey was onto something with that three month rule, because like clockwork, after we hit that three month mark and I was STILL NOT HAVING SEX with them before marriage, they were gone like jheri curls, never to be seen again!

This continued for years, so frequently that I didn’t share when I was dating anyone and became comfortable dating more than one guy at a time to avoid putting all my eggs in one basket or allowing my feelings to develop too deeply for anyone I was still learning to trust. Don’t worry! Christian dating is a little different than how most people typically date. We weren’t kissing nor having sex so there’s no concern of disease or putting anyone’s health at risk. Also, I was very open about the guys I was “talking to” because every guy asks that question to gauge whether they should shoot their shot or not.

Remember, these are just dates and getting to know them. It hadn’t progressed to the point of a relationship yet. I most definitely don’t recommend being in a relationship with more than one person, nor dating multiple people if any of them are unaware they’re not the only person! Not only was I guarding my heart, but I protected theirs as well. I was aware of the other women some of them were dating as well, but it takes a high level of confidence to not be insecure about that. I knew what my worth was, what I desired and I was not settling. However, repeated rejection over a period of time would discourage anyone.

I was watching everyone else get married and a seed of jealousy began to sprout.

I had nothing against the women who were getting married. In fact, they were my friends, but I did start to wonder why they were getting married and not me? There had to be other guys out there who wanted a woman of virtue!

The truth is, even men of God have a flesh, and you’re competing against the women who are willing to fall with them when they recognize they’re in a season. Instead of protecting their purity and pushing them into their purpose, they become a threat to it. I was certain that kind of man would take advantage of me if he saw I was in a weak season!

These easily susceptible men of God started to turn me off for a number of reasons. Most weren’t men of God at all. Here’s a short list of some of the things I’ve had to deal with while dating some men of God:

  • They’d start off sharing scriptures and talking to me about what they’d studied, and somewhere it turned into asking me what type of underwear I was wearing, what color they were and what they wanted to do to me.
  • I could tell some memorized scriptures just to quote at me so I could know they read the Bible, though a lot of them were misquoted, used out of context or had absolutely nothing to do with our conversation at all (smiles and giggles)!
  • They’d try to feel me up in the car or as soon as we were alone for a little bit.
  • When disclosing that I’d been delivered from sleeping with women in the past, they would get excited and ask very graphic questions trying to fantasize about it, try to gauge me and see if I was really over women, blatantly ask if I would be partake in a threesome with them or suggest we bring extra people into the bedroom when we get married. It’s not something I mentioned in the first conversation, but it wasn’t something I wanted to hide either. It was rather difficult finding a man of God who wasn’t turned off by my sexual past with women that wouldn’t try to explore or see how much of a freak I was.
  • Ask for me to send them nude pictures of myself…
  • After sending unwarranted pictures of their “member” to my phone
  • I’ve even had seven (7) men propose to me in hopes it would be the deal breaker to get past my no sex til marriage rule, but by prayer and discerning their hearts, I turned them down.
  • And every one of them said “God told me you were my wife!” There must be a badly written handbook about how to mack a church girl!
  • There are men of God who still expect a little something after they spend a little time and money on you, that feel obligated to have your body, and sometimes may even disrespect you if you’re not playing ball with them. I haven’t had to use my knee yet, but there have been situations where excessive force was necessary.
  • I also had men so salty that I didn’t sleep with them they went around telling people that we did in order to tarnish my character, reputation or credibility.

There’s a misconception that the church is where the biggest freaks are and I heard it often. One man was bold enough to say the only reason he was in church was because that’s where the biggest freaks were and was hoping he’d gotten him a pretty one, in reference to me. I knew God had to have something out there better for me than that. However, this was not every man! I’m not here to male bash or throw every man who says they’re saved under the bus. I know a few brothers in Christ that display great character, consistency and self-control. In addition, I did meet some decent guys along the way that never tried to get me to compromise and treated me with the upmost respect. Unfortunately we had some other major differences outside of that, despite their willingness to wait for me. I’m still friends with all of them. I’m often asked why didn’t I marry them?

I think sometimes people forget that it’s not just about finding someone else who is adamant about waiting until marriage, but other important things have to line up as well, just as any relationship where sex is included. We still have to be compatible together and share the same beliefs. I also hold a high respect for those guys who simply said waiting wasn’t for them and left on good terms as opposed to those who were pushy and obnoxious. I deeply appreciate all gentlemen and hold them in high regard! The best kind of heartbreak is when a man leaves saying “I respect you and respect what you’re doing”. That can never make you feel bad. You should feel empowered!

To all the women waiting:

Be careful who you take advice from! I used to take advice from all older, married women, believing it was solid because I considered them to have more wisdom and experience. On the contrary, it was following that advice that led me to the place of me eventually falling. Here are some examples:

  • If a man is willing to wait for you and he’s respectful about it, he doesn’t need to meet all your standards. If he respects you, does he need to be saved too? It’s hard enough just to find a man who will just respect you!
  • If everything else lines up, why do you have to leave sex out? You’re already getting everything you want!
  • No man who meets the standards you have is going to wait around for you because there are plenty of women throwing it at him already! You need to secure that before it gets away!
  • He’s agreed to wait til marriage. Why does he have to wait to kiss you? He should be able to kiss on you and touch on you, as long as it doesn’t go too far. (It’s a terrible, terrible set up!)
  • No man is perfect. You’re going to have to compromise somewhere! You want for him to wait for you, go to church, not cuss, not drink, not smoke, never been to jail, have a car and have good credit? And people in Hell want ice water! You’re going to keep watching everyone else get married and be sitting by yourself at every single wedding if you keep thinking like that!

To all the men waiting:

I hate to say the good guys finish last, but in the years I’ve been in church, I don’t think you get enough credit nor enough respect, or without having your sexuality be in question, considering the fact that there are seven times the number of women who populate the world than men – you’ve literally got more than a handful of temptation to deal with! What I will share is that it is very difficult for me to lust after a man of God because of the reverential fear I have for who he belongs to and my desire to protect his purpose (as well as the fear of God from getting in the way of it). You are important to us!

We (women) look for you to lead us, but it wasn’t until I came across a few stand up men that I even thought to raise my standards several years ago, because I didn’t even know that type of guy existed, and once I saw it, I desired it. It is in a woman’s nature to subconsciously take on the persona or characteristics in her mate. If you want a woman of God, make sure you’re being a man of God who’s leading her toward her purpose, protecting her and reaching to pull out the best in her.

For both men and women waiting:

In the meantime, remember this: No matter what your past is, what your experiences were, or what you’ve been told, YOU ARE WORTH WAITING FOR! This isn’t just until you meet your next boyfriend or girlfriend, nor something to do until you feel you’ve met the right one! This is a committed lifestyle choice and your service to God!

I urge you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy, and acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service of worship.  Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God. -Romans 12:1-2 MEV

Jesus Christ died and gave His life for US, who DID NOT deserve His mercy. Whenever we repent, we do not deserve His forgiveness, yet we receive it. He gave us the commandment to love and gave us the responsibility to pick up our own cross and follow Him. This is one of the smaller sacrifices, and though we are undeserving of His sacrifice, He is a just God when it comes to rewarding us for our faithfulness in serving Him.

Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass. -Psalm 37:4-5

Having a relationship with God [who you say you live for and worship], should be even more intimate than that of a romantic relationship. To continually disregard His law or commandments and repeatedly ask He forgive us and remain merciful, is no different than continually hurting or betraying the trust of your partner, then coming with apologies, gifts or a promise in exchange, when it would be more meaningful for them to be able to trust you. It would be right for them to leave. God is no different with us. Though He will never leave us nor forsake us in a spiritual sense, He will absolutely leave us to lay in the beds we create for ourselves and remove His favor and protection from off of our lives.

 Samuel said, “Is the Lord pleased as much with burnt gifts as He is when He is obeyed? See, it is better to obey than to give gifts. It is better to listen than to give the fat of rams. To go against what you are told is like the sin of witchcraft. Not to obey is like the sin of worshiping false gods. You have turned away from the Word of the Lord. So He has turned away from you being king.” -1 Samuel 15:22-23

Sin is something that keeps us from God. We will never live in the fullness of His will for our lives, while still entertaining the things He’s asked us to let go of. Some of the issues we have in our lives can be traced to disobedience and living outside of God’s law. (Just ask Jonah, Samson and Ahab!) Some of my toughest restraints followed with big rewards, celibacy included.

From the moment I gave my life to God I never ever wanted for a single, solitary thing and was consistently blessed with EVERY need and desire of my heart until I thought it would be okay to go outside of His law a little bit to please my own wants, over what God wanted! When I got tired of waiting, I took some advice I KNEW wasn’t in accordance with the word of God and found myself at the lowest point possible in a matter of months. God had already promised me I could have what (and even WHO) I wanted, but I became impatient in the midst of discouragement and lost my faith. I wanted it to happen in MY timing!

Be careful and seek God more than ever if you find yourself becoming discouraged. Tell someone you trust to keep this information private and ask them to keep you in prayer about it. I believe my pride got in the way and I didn’t want anyone to know I’d become discouraged, but this is why accountability is so important and we must let go of our pride if we’re going to properly apply it and use it effectively. We must have other people in our lives who also share the same beliefs that can partner with us and be our strength in our times of weakness to keep us from faltering.

With God, all things are possible, and with a population of 7.5 billion people, be sure that as you remain faithful, God is fashioning one of them specifically for you, creating a love story and testimony to blow your mind and silence the doubt of those who called you crazy for your belief! If you ever get discouraged and think about taking matters into your own hands, go to the book of Genesis. Begin at chapter 18 and continue to study the full story of Abraham and Sarah, and think about if you really want to deal with the aftermath of going outside of God’s will when He already told you, you would be blessed! Remain faithful and see it through until the finish!

Be bold. Be fearless. Climb higher. Be inspired!

-Debrinah S. Dorsey

2 thoughts

  1. This was so good! Don’t think us older, seasoned women don’t struggle with the same issues as younger women, especially if single. The struggle is real! We all have the capacity to fall to sin just like we all have the capacity to rise above it. I believe your transparency will help others of all ages to stay encouraged like it helped me today.

    Liked by 1 person

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